Sleepless

Late at night
When sleep won’t come
Lying awake
So conscious of me
I fix my mind
I know what I want
What I cannot have
My body desires
My mind dreams
My hands defeat
Late at night
When I give up
So conscious of you
I set my heart
I know what I need
What I cannot touch
Your body, desired
Your mind, dreamed
Your hands, defeated
Late at night
When I think of you
I know that you are
The one that I want…

The end and the beginning

This year is about to end...

Well, I usually don't care if a new year will begin but today is different.

I think my feelings and emotions are crazy right now and this is may be the reason for wanting to write these words.

I want to be brief so here I go...

This year events were important, even if I believed them normal. Not in a particular order:

1. I met Roy Khan at Helsinki Airport and attended to 2 Kamelot concerts.
2. I attended to (other) 4 Pet Shop Boys concerts.
3. I visited Europe twice! Now, that's crazy even for me.
   
4. I walked 10 km in almost 2 hours, which seems like impossible in this life.
5. I met a wonderful man who reminded me the emotion of love. I know he's not for me but who cares?! I'm pretty excited about him, my heart is beating again and that's all that matters.
6. I worked on unfinished affairs with some other guy and finally everything is in place.
7. A very personal event that I thought never was going to happen. It wasn't perfect but it was what I needed.
8. I'm thinking more in what I want and not in what others want or think of me. I'm following my insticts or at least I'm trying.
   

There are bad things in this year too. But not that bad:

1. I couldn't make it to Norway because of the volcano disaster. I missed 2 Kamelot concerts.
2. Work has been messing with my mind and my life. It has taken away many things from me.
3. My health is not in its best shape. My body needs a break and I need to take care of it.
4. My mind is also sick. My mood changes, from good to horrible, I feel trapped. It needs a break too.
5. My writing has stopped. I have written some short tales and poems but my novels just don't come.

And finally, what I want to do next year:

1. Run 10 km. Not just walk them I want to run them!
2. Get a tatto. I'm such a coward. I'm scared of needles but I hope I can make my mind and do it.
3. Have a break. Well, I want to stop working for a while and go to some place to find myself again.
4. Write. One of the most important things for me in the lasts years. I need to keep writing and give life to my beautiful characters.
5. Improve my health and lose weight. Need to do something about my body. It's tired, needs a break and needs a doctor. And this will be my first attempt to actually lose weight. I'm not happy anymore with the way it feels and the way it looks.
6. Find my Karel. Meaning? Find the man who can stand me! LOL
7. Improve in my job. I want to take the next step. I don't love my job but this is someting I really have to do.
8. Draw limits. I don't want to be absorbed by my job. I let it happen and now I'm trapped. I need to cut this ill relation with work.
9. Change my hair color and maybe use wigs. I want to change my hair color to purple and other color. And I want to try a wig, just to know how it feels and how it looks.
10. --- ADDED: I would like to buy a reflex camera and learn to take photos with it.
11. --- ADDED: I would like to perfom in some way. Theatre or something in the street.
    

That's all.

I feel so much better after writing these words. When I think of something, it is great in my head and disaster in reality. It sounds good once I have written it.

I want you

Crimson skies in my dark dreams

Winter winds in my summer shores

Red lust in my white nights…

Every time I close my eyes, there is your memory shinning

Every time I breathe, there is your essence fading

Relentless thoughts in my beautiful mind

Sleepless nights in my sweet bed

Dark desires in my innocent wandering…

Every time I think, there is a feeling for you

Every time I dream, there is a nightmare of you

Falling Hell in my wanted Heaven

Condemned sins in my confessed soul

Burning temptation in my purified body

Every time I love you, there is desire for you

Every time I quit you, there is love for you…

I want you… I want you… I want you…

I… want… you…