Late at night
When sleep won’t come
Lying awake
So conscious of me
I fix my mind
I know what I want
What I cannot have
My body desires
My mind dreams
My hands defeat
Late at night
When I give up
So conscious of you
I set my heart
I know what I need
What I cannot touch
Your body, desired
Your mind, dreamed
Your hands, defeated
Late at night
When I think of you
I know that you are
The one that I want…
26 dic 2010
25 dic 2010
The end and the beginning
This year is about to end...
Well, I usually don't care if a new year will begin but today is different.
I think my feelings and emotions are crazy right now and this is may be the reason for wanting to write these words.
I want to be brief so here I go...
This year events were important, even if I believed them normal. Not in a particular order:
I feel so much better after writing these words. When I think of something, it is great in my head and disaster in reality. It sounds good once I have written it.
Well, I usually don't care if a new year will begin but today is different.
I think my feelings and emotions are crazy right now and this is may be the reason for wanting to write these words.
I want to be brief so here I go...
This year events were important, even if I believed them normal. Not in a particular order:
- I met Roy Khan at Helsinki Airport and attended to 2 Kamelot concerts.
- I attended to (other) 4 Pet Shop Boys concerts.
- I visited Europe twice! Now, that's crazy even for me.
- I walked 10 km in almost 2 hours, which seems like impossible in this life.
- I met a wonderful man who reminded me the emotion of love. I know he's not for me but who cares?! I'm pretty excited about him, my heart is beating again and that's all that matters.
- I worked on unfinished affairs with some other guy and finally everything is in place.
- A very personal event that I thought never was going to happen. It wasn't perfect but it was what I needed.
- I'm thinking more in what I want and not in what others want or think of me. I'm following my insticts or at least I'm trying.
- I couldn't make it to Norway because of the volcano disaster. I missed 2 Kamelot concerts.
- Work has been messing with my mind and my life. It has taken away many things from me.
- My health is not in its best shape. My body needs a break and I need to take care of it.
- My mind is also sick. My mood changes, from good to horrible, I feel trapped. It needs a break too.
- My writing has stopped. I have written some short tales and poems but my novels just don't come.
- Run 10 km. Not just walk them I want to run them!
- Get a tatto. I'm such a coward. I'm scared of needles but I hope I can make my mind and do it.
- Have a break. Well, I want to stop working for a while and go to some place to find myself again.
- Write. One of the most important things for me in the lasts years. I need to keep writing and give life to my beautiful characters.
- Improve my health and lose weight. Need to do something about my body. It's tired, needs a break and needs a doctor. And this will be my first attempt to actually lose weight. I'm not happy anymore with the way it feels and the way it looks.
- Find my Karel. Meaning? Find the man who can stand me! LOL
- Improve in my job. I want to take the next step. I don't love my job but this is someting I really have to do.
- Draw limits. I don't want to be absorbed by my job. I let it happen and now I'm trapped. I need to cut this ill relation with work.
- Change my hair color and maybe use wigs. I want to change my hair color to purple and other color. And I want to try a wig, just to know how it feels and how it looks.
- --- ADDED: I would like to buy a reflex camera and learn to take photos with it.
- --- ADDED: I would like to perfom in some way. Theatre or something in the street.
I feel so much better after writing these words. When I think of something, it is great in my head and disaster in reality. It sounds good once I have written it.
19 dic 2010
I want you
Crimson skies in my dark dreams
Winter winds in my summer shores
Red lust in my white nights…
Every time I close my eyes, there is your memory shinning
Every time I breathe, there is your essence fading
Relentless thoughts in my beautiful mind
Sleepless nights in my sweet bed
Dark desires in my innocent wandering…
Every time I think, there is a feeling for you
Every time I dream, there is a nightmare of you
Falling Hell in my wanted Heaven
Condemned sins in my confessed soul
Burning temptation in my purified body
Every time I love you, there is desire for you
Every time I quit you, there is love for you…
I want you… I want you… I want you…
I… want… you…
21 nov 2010
Prey
In that moment I realized the whole week had been a complete error…
I really need the job!
It has been 3 weeks since Mrs. Jones decided she was going to fire me… Oh boy, I never ever flirt with his husband but I’m pretty sure the old man lied to her. So it was my fault and I was fired…
This is my last chance. I really need the job. I have to pay the rent tomorrow and, if I don’t pay I won’t have a roof over my head.
I have tried everything but being a waitress. I could have done anything but this. The point is now I’m desperate and I need the money…
Well, let’s hope everything will be fine and I will get the job. And with the bills covered, I may be able to find another thing…
I got the job for divine intervention.
Well, not exactly but almost.
This guy, the one who interviewed me, he was not going to hire me. Of course, not so pretty girl with no experience, it was obvious that I was not gonna have the job.
But for once in a while, I’ve been lucky.
The bar’s owner arrived when I the manager was explaining why he didn’t need me. I didn’t notice him till the manager got distracted and asked me for a moment. That was when I turned my head and saw him.
He spoke a little with the manager and… It was clear they were speaking of me. I came back to my original position more angry than embarrassed. They were talking about me! I decided I couldn’t stand such humiliation and… The manager came back and told me I could start tomorrow evening.
I stood up so surprised that I just said “Thanks. See ya!”. The owner wasn’t there anymore when I left…
Well, I suppose he’s the owner. The manager was not gonna have me till he arrived. I think I should thank him when I see him…
Second night at work… It has been tough but not as much as I could imagine.
I have made enough money to pay my bills and have enough for eat. The tips are good and most of the people who come to the bar are nice. I always have thought the waitress job was horrible but it’s quite amusing.
And more amusing than the job, I have to admit, it is the bar’s owner.
God, he is hot!
I have seen him a couple of times and he really looks so damn good.
I need to thank him but I haven’t been able to do it… Every time I see him and tried to reach him, he disappears.
I hope I can see him again…
Well, this has been a great night. I had my conversation with Philip… And Philip is a great guy, actually.
I had thanked him but he said it was a pleasure helping a girl as beautiful as I am… Then I blushed and said I had work to do in an unsteady voice.
I can’t flirt with my boss! That was the reason I lost my last job! Well, it wasn’t my fault but I’m not supposed to do that, am I?
I am pretty sure he stayed where he was for a while, watching me. I just couldn’t make myself look at him again.
He is a handsome guy but I think it is not quit right flirting with him…
I can’t say no to an invitation, right? The boss invited me to have a drink… while I was working. I hope the other waitresses didn’t notice I skipped my shift… almost all my shift.
I think I’m losing my wits… But this man simply… When I’m with him it’s like I can’t think of anything else but him…
He has beautiful brown eyes and you have to love his beard, black as his hair. You could think his nose is a little pointy but it matches perfectly with his face. Did I say he is beautiful? And hot? He must work up a lot. Everything in his body is just in place.
He has a little bit of accent. Just a little… If you don’t pay attention you could missed it. I wonder where he is from…
But I’m losing my wits… He is the boss… and he is so damn sexy…
I need to regain my focus. I can’t let this happens…
And here I am… In a dark alley, behind the bar.
The night seems so dark, darker than usual.
And he seems so eager.
The idea of having him blurs my mind… And here I am with him, kissing him, touching him…
And he touches me and kisses me… I am surrender to his touch, to his eyes… He can have me, right here, right now, behind the bar, in the dark night…
And I realize this is a mistake… I realize everything is a mistake… I shouldn’t have flirted with Mr. Jones… I shouldn’t have insulted Mrs. Jones… I should have called mom… I shouldn’t have asked for a job in this bar… I shouldn’t have talked to Philip… I shouldn’t have given up to lust…
And as he sucks the blood out me (life!) I know there’s no time for regrets, just time for a last pray… God, have mercy on my soul…
- o -
I really need the job!
It has been 3 weeks since Mrs. Jones decided she was going to fire me… Oh boy, I never ever flirt with his husband but I’m pretty sure the old man lied to her. So it was my fault and I was fired…
This is my last chance. I really need the job. I have to pay the rent tomorrow and, if I don’t pay I won’t have a roof over my head.
I have tried everything but being a waitress. I could have done anything but this. The point is now I’m desperate and I need the money…
Well, let’s hope everything will be fine and I will get the job. And with the bills covered, I may be able to find another thing…
- o -
I got the job for divine intervention.
Well, not exactly but almost.
This guy, the one who interviewed me, he was not going to hire me. Of course, not so pretty girl with no experience, it was obvious that I was not gonna have the job.
But for once in a while, I’ve been lucky.
The bar’s owner arrived when I the manager was explaining why he didn’t need me. I didn’t notice him till the manager got distracted and asked me for a moment. That was when I turned my head and saw him.
He spoke a little with the manager and… It was clear they were speaking of me. I came back to my original position more angry than embarrassed. They were talking about me! I decided I couldn’t stand such humiliation and… The manager came back and told me I could start tomorrow evening.
I stood up so surprised that I just said “Thanks. See ya!”. The owner wasn’t there anymore when I left…
Well, I suppose he’s the owner. The manager was not gonna have me till he arrived. I think I should thank him when I see him…
- o -
Second night at work… It has been tough but not as much as I could imagine.
I have made enough money to pay my bills and have enough for eat. The tips are good and most of the people who come to the bar are nice. I always have thought the waitress job was horrible but it’s quite amusing.
And more amusing than the job, I have to admit, it is the bar’s owner.
God, he is hot!
I have seen him a couple of times and he really looks so damn good.
I need to thank him but I haven’t been able to do it… Every time I see him and tried to reach him, he disappears.
I hope I can see him again…
- o -
Well, this has been a great night. I had my conversation with Philip… And Philip is a great guy, actually.
I had thanked him but he said it was a pleasure helping a girl as beautiful as I am… Then I blushed and said I had work to do in an unsteady voice.
I can’t flirt with my boss! That was the reason I lost my last job! Well, it wasn’t my fault but I’m not supposed to do that, am I?
I am pretty sure he stayed where he was for a while, watching me. I just couldn’t make myself look at him again.
He is a handsome guy but I think it is not quit right flirting with him…
- o -
I can’t say no to an invitation, right? The boss invited me to have a drink… while I was working. I hope the other waitresses didn’t notice I skipped my shift… almost all my shift.
I think I’m losing my wits… But this man simply… When I’m with him it’s like I can’t think of anything else but him…
He has beautiful brown eyes and you have to love his beard, black as his hair. You could think his nose is a little pointy but it matches perfectly with his face. Did I say he is beautiful? And hot? He must work up a lot. Everything in his body is just in place.
He has a little bit of accent. Just a little… If you don’t pay attention you could missed it. I wonder where he is from…
But I’m losing my wits… He is the boss… and he is so damn sexy…
I need to regain my focus. I can’t let this happens…
- o -
And here I am… In a dark alley, behind the bar.
The night seems so dark, darker than usual.
And he seems so eager.
The idea of having him blurs my mind… And here I am with him, kissing him, touching him…
And he touches me and kisses me… I am surrender to his touch, to his eyes… He can have me, right here, right now, behind the bar, in the dark night…
And I realize this is a mistake… I realize everything is a mistake… I shouldn’t have flirted with Mr. Jones… I shouldn’t have insulted Mrs. Jones… I should have called mom… I shouldn’t have asked for a job in this bar… I shouldn’t have talked to Philip… I shouldn’t have given up to lust…
And as he sucks the blood out me (life!) I know there’s no time for regrets, just time for a last pray… God, have mercy on my soul…
23 oct 2010
In love Vampire Song
Sweet dark blood…
Death is upon you and it looks like your beauty will stand forever.
And what if you are not a prey to be killed?
What if I should keep you forever?
I could believe you do not belong to the dead.
You may belong to me
Ad what if I take you with me?
I could believe there are things meant to be
And you may be meant to be mine.
O, my love, I cannot let you die.
In this night, I see, I have found true love.
And your sweet dark blood has pierced my heart.
I know you are not supposed to die
You are supposed to live
And be forever mine
My precious lover
Walking as dead
But living instead
Death is upon you but it will always be
Because you are going to be one of Her hunters
By my side, we will kill to live…
Death is upon you and it looks like your beauty will stand forever.
And what if you are not a prey to be killed?
What if I should keep you forever?
I could believe you do not belong to the dead.
You may belong to me
Ad what if I take you with me?
I could believe there are things meant to be
And you may be meant to be mine.
O, my love, I cannot let you die.
In this night, I see, I have found true love.
And your sweet dark blood has pierced my heart.
I know you are not supposed to die
You are supposed to live
And be forever mine
My precious lover
Walking as dead
But living instead
Death is upon you but it will always be
Because you are going to be one of Her hunters
By my side, we will kill to live…
17 oct 2010
Orphan Vampire Song
Lost in the night
Lost in the streets
Lost like a child without his mother
Lost like a lover without his love
O, so lost…
I wander and search…
I kill and defeat.
And still do not find what I look for
O, where are you?
Lost in the night
Drinking blood and killing to survive
But no living wihout you
A child without his mother
A lover without his love
If I only could find you
If I only could see you
I would find the delight in killing the life
O, so lost…
Lost in the streets
Lost like a child without his mother
Lost like a lover without his love
O, so lost…
I wander and search…
I kill and defeat.
And still do not find what I look for
O, where are you?
Lost in the night
Drinking blood and killing to survive
But no living wihout you
A child without his mother
A lover without his love
If I only could find you
If I only could see you
I would find the delight in killing the life
O, so lost…
12 sept 2010
Salvation
SALVATION
Darkness surrounds me
But I shall find the Light
Ariel, thy voice guides me
And I know I wil be out…
I let Death take me
Just because thou failed me
But I still love thee
And that is not going to stop.
I have lost no hope
Not even one
I know I can save thee
From what thou have become.
And I will save thee
And I will take thee with me
This is true love
This is what stands.
I have lost no hope
And I never will…
I love thee, forever,
This is how it is…
SALVACIÓN
La Oscuridad me rodea
Pero he de encontrar la Luz
Ariel, tu voz me guía
Y sé que saldré …
Dejé que la Muerte me llevara
Solamente porque me fallaste
Pero aún te amo
Y eso no va a cambiar.
No he perdido esperanzas
Ni siquiera una
Sé que pueda salvarte
De eso en lo que te has convertido.
Y te salvaré
Y te llevaré conmigo
Esto es amor verdaderos
Esto es lo que perdura.
No he perdido esperanzas
Y nunca lo haré …
Te amo, por siempre,
Así es…
Darkness surrounds me
But I shall find the Light
Ariel, thy voice guides me
And I know I wil be out…
I let Death take me
Just because thou failed me
But I still love thee
And that is not going to stop.
I have lost no hope
Not even one
I know I can save thee
From what thou have become.
And I will save thee
And I will take thee with me
This is true love
This is what stands.
I have lost no hope
And I never will…
I love thee, forever,
This is how it is…
SALVACIÓN
La Oscuridad me rodea
Pero he de encontrar la Luz
Ariel, tu voz me guía
Y sé que saldré …
Dejé que la Muerte me llevara
Solamente porque me fallaste
Pero aún te amo
Y eso no va a cambiar.
No he perdido esperanzas
Ni siquiera una
Sé que pueda salvarte
De eso en lo que te has convertido.
Y te salvaré
Y te llevaré conmigo
Esto es amor verdaderos
Esto es lo que perdura.
No he perdido esperanzas
Y nunca lo haré …
Te amo, por siempre,
Así es…
16 jul 2010
Fall
En el vacío del verano,
Sólo puedo desear tu invierno
Añorar tu oscuridad
Rezar por tu dolor
Debajo del ardiente sol
Me consumo en el anhelo
Evito el espamo de mi alma
Olvido el latir de mi corazón
En la fragancia de la primavera
Quiero asesinar mi deseo
Oh, mi delicado y estival viento
Matarte para ya no pensarte...
¿Y serás capaz de amar
la oscuridad que hay en mí
como yo amo la que hay en ti?
Sólo puedo desear tu invierno
Añorar tu oscuridad
Rezar por tu dolor
Debajo del ardiente sol
Me consumo en el anhelo
Evito el espamo de mi alma
Olvido el latir de mi corazón
En la fragancia de la primavera
Quiero asesinar mi deseo
Oh, mi delicado y estival viento
Matarte para ya no pensarte...
¿Y serás capaz de amar
la oscuridad que hay en mí
como yo amo la que hay en ti?
2 may 2010
Hoy...
Y allí estaba yo, en medio de todas esas personas…
Todos parecían seguros de que camino debían seguir y los no lo estaban, sólo necesitaban detenerse a mirar por breves instantes las señales para reanudar su marcha, seguros de la ruta que debían seguir.
Y yo, detenido en medio de todos ellos, sin saber si ir a la izquierda o a la derecha, divido por miles de motivos que no conducían a ninguna conclusión.
Trataba de buscar respuestas en aquellos rostros, en aquellas caras de las personas que sabían cual era el camino que debían tomar. Quería creer que tal vez encontraría la respuesta a mi simple pregunta en los ojos de alguno. Pero en vano busqué un motivo para decidirme… Inclusive, me llené aún más de dudas al mirar desconciertos en algunos ojos, incredulidad, zozobra y resignación. ¿Es realmente el camino que quería tomar o era el que estaban obligados a seguir?
Yo sabía que me decisión se reducía a dos sencillas opciones… Lo que quieres hacer y lo que tienes que hacer… Y miraba en las personas ciertos gestos que me hacían ver que con el camino donde sigues a tus deberes a veces es necesario sacrificar muchas cosas. Pero también percibía en algunos el orgullo derivado del propio sacrificio para cumplir las propias obligaciones.
¿Y qué veía en aquellos que parecían seguir el camino que querían? En algunos, la felicidad irrevocable de hacer lo que amas… En otros, el dolor de haber sacrificado, así como los que hacen lo que deben, todo en nombre de los placeres.
Me preguntaba por qué no podían ser un mismo camino el que quieres y el que debes… Seguro alguno de los que pasaba frente a mí había tenido esa opción y la seguía. ¿Debes hacer lo que quieres o debes querer lo que debes?
Aún estoy parado cerca del lugar de donde partí. No he avanzado demasiado. A veces, decido que tengo que ir por el camino del deber, pero me detengo y reflexiono que sería mejor hacer lo que quiero… Camino unos pasos de regreso y me doy cuenta que será mejor seguir por donde debo… Y así pasan los años sin avanzar demasiado entre el deber y el placer…
Pero hoy siento que es el día de romper mi estática… Hoy debo hacer lo que quiero y haré lo que debo… Hoy no iré a la izquierda ni a la derecha, iré de frente… Hoy romperé, amaré, haré, disfrutaré, buscaré, conseguiré, destruiré, observaré, construiré, alimentaré, amarraré, apartaré, impondré, liberaré mi camino…
Todos parecían seguros de que camino debían seguir y los no lo estaban, sólo necesitaban detenerse a mirar por breves instantes las señales para reanudar su marcha, seguros de la ruta que debían seguir.
Y yo, detenido en medio de todos ellos, sin saber si ir a la izquierda o a la derecha, divido por miles de motivos que no conducían a ninguna conclusión.
Trataba de buscar respuestas en aquellos rostros, en aquellas caras de las personas que sabían cual era el camino que debían tomar. Quería creer que tal vez encontraría la respuesta a mi simple pregunta en los ojos de alguno. Pero en vano busqué un motivo para decidirme… Inclusive, me llené aún más de dudas al mirar desconciertos en algunos ojos, incredulidad, zozobra y resignación. ¿Es realmente el camino que quería tomar o era el que estaban obligados a seguir?
Yo sabía que me decisión se reducía a dos sencillas opciones… Lo que quieres hacer y lo que tienes que hacer… Y miraba en las personas ciertos gestos que me hacían ver que con el camino donde sigues a tus deberes a veces es necesario sacrificar muchas cosas. Pero también percibía en algunos el orgullo derivado del propio sacrificio para cumplir las propias obligaciones.
¿Y qué veía en aquellos que parecían seguir el camino que querían? En algunos, la felicidad irrevocable de hacer lo que amas… En otros, el dolor de haber sacrificado, así como los que hacen lo que deben, todo en nombre de los placeres.
Me preguntaba por qué no podían ser un mismo camino el que quieres y el que debes… Seguro alguno de los que pasaba frente a mí había tenido esa opción y la seguía. ¿Debes hacer lo que quieres o debes querer lo que debes?
Aún estoy parado cerca del lugar de donde partí. No he avanzado demasiado. A veces, decido que tengo que ir por el camino del deber, pero me detengo y reflexiono que sería mejor hacer lo que quiero… Camino unos pasos de regreso y me doy cuenta que será mejor seguir por donde debo… Y así pasan los años sin avanzar demasiado entre el deber y el placer…
Pero hoy siento que es el día de romper mi estática… Hoy debo hacer lo que quiero y haré lo que debo… Hoy no iré a la izquierda ni a la derecha, iré de frente… Hoy romperé, amaré, haré, disfrutaré, buscaré, conseguiré, destruiré, observaré, construiré, alimentaré, amarraré, apartaré, impondré, liberaré mi camino…
27 feb 2010
Carmines recuerdos
En los carmines recuerdos de los sueños inacabados
Todavía saboreo el color pálido de tus labios
Y acaricio mis manos con el calor de tus dedos…
Las palabras apenas formadas en los labios
Cierro los ojos y aún pienso en ti
Entre los vapores de la mañana, entre la realidad y el sueño,
Me aferro a lo que queda de tu recuerdo…
Todavía saboreo el color pálido de tus labios
Y acaricio mis manos con el calor de tus dedos…
Las palabras apenas formadas en los labios
Cierro los ojos y aún pienso en ti
Entre los vapores de la mañana, entre la realidad y el sueño,
Me aferro a lo que queda de tu recuerdo…
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