29 may 2011

Dark tales of a lady vampire: Pain and relief

The pain…

And the relief.

Pain when your body is hungry. Pain when you need food. Pain when you know your urge. Pain when you try to convince yourself it is not hunger.

And then, you go, you look, you hunt and you find.. You find your prey, you find the one. Its blood beats through its heart and you know. And the pain becomes stronger, the urge gets more urgent and you want to eat…

But you have learned you have to wait. There are people. There are eyes. And you must be a shadow. You must be invisible. You should not exist. You are a monster and the ones who are meant to see you are also meant to die.

So, you walk slowly, you follow, you keep the trace. You have found it. It is perfect. And you follow. And you wait. Even when you are sure you hear your heart beating and your heart has been long dead. But the call of the blood is strong and you feel alive… for a while.

Finally, a dark alley comes. The prey has become careless. It is a good night. Sometimes, your perfect prey is so perfect and intelligent and it eludes you. You have lost your entire night and you have to leave, hungry, tired and, most of all, disappointed. But not tonight, tonight is the night. You will have it, you will have its blood.

And relief comes. Relief when you walk silently behind it. Relief when you hold its shoulders. Relief when it does not scream. Relief when you see its eyes filled with panic. Relief when you tear its skin apart.

Relief and excitement…

And the blood comes. Blessed blood. Your lips are covered with blood. Your tongue tastes the blood. Your throat leads the blood. Metallic taste that fills you. It fills your hunger, it fills your soul.

And there is more. You feel the beating heart. So violent. You feel how the heart loses strength. It fights but it will give up… eventually…

And eventually everything is gone. Pain, hunger, relief and excitement is gone. You are full and you are empty, all at the same time.

You must take your leave and you leave. Should I take another life? No, it is pointless. Without hunger, instincts are gone…

And you leave waiting, hoping, wanting the next time the urge comes… Pain and relief will come… eventually…

Dark tales of a lady vampire: Morals

How did I end like this?

There are promises you made to yourself… You promise some things will never happen, you promise you will never get to certain point…

But wind blows and changes everything.

And next, you have to do what you are not willing to do… You deny it and refuse it… Then you think about it… And you realized it is not up to you or what you want… It is not about what you believe or what you hope… It is up to what you need.

What are you supposed to do? You convince yourself it is for your own good, just for once. And you do it. You do it and you feel better, because you have done what it was necessary and, at the same time, you are full of guilt.

Guilt is stronger than being alive. You know you must not have done it but you had to do it. And what is it left once you have crossed that line? Just a little is left, is not it? And you know this is the first step to leave your old self behind…

But were you a person after this terrible moment happened to you? No, you have hope, hope of still being a person… You hoped and you believed that things might be as they used to be… Who can take easily a change in their lives? Maybe it is not even about morals or your promises but leaving everything you were behind. Maybe it is about your habits too hard to quit, the idea of doing new things, the knowledge of having to live a new life…

Being someone, being a person, having ambitions and dreams, knowing you have morals… Knowing you can be proud of yourself, with no shame.. Knowing you have a name and a reputation… Just to become in… nothing…

In just one moment, you are someone (at least it is what you think) and then you are nobody…

No, it is not true… You turned into someone who carries shame, someone who must live hidden, someone who is not supposed to exist for others…

Being bitten by a vampire is not what movies tell. Now I am one of them, just like them… Killer, murderer, ashamed and excluded… Morals and family values, gone before the need of keeping yourself alive… It does not matter how hard you fight, in the end, hunger is stronger… And it does not matter the promises you have made, you turn into a drinking-blood animal… You turn into something you never thought you would become…

15 may 2011

Sweet little eyes

Sweet little eyes
They sing a song of joy
Sweet little eyes
They chase darkness away
Sweet little eyes
They make my heart dance
Sweet little eyes
I want to make them mine
Sweet little eyes
Oh, how I love your eyes
Sweet little eyes
Can you love mine?

Alguien

¿Y cómo fue que terminé de esta manera?

Porque hay cosas que se promete uno mismo que nunca pasarán, en las que uno nunca se convertirá…

Pero llega un golpe del destino y cambia la situación.

Y entonces, tienes que hacer algo que no estás dispuesto a hacer… Primero reniegas y te niegas… Luego lo empiezas a considerar… Y te das cuenta de que lo que tienes que hacer ya no depende de lo que quieres ni de lo que crees ni de lo que esperas , sino de lo que necesitas.

¿Qué haces? Te convences a ti mismo que es por tu propio bien, que sólo será una vez. Y lo haces. Lo haces y te sientes aliviado, porque has hecho lo que necesitabas hacer, y al mismo tiempo, estás lleno de culpa.

La culpa es más fuerte que la tranquilidad de saberte vivo. Sabes que no debiste hacerlo pero tenías que hacerlo. ¿Y qué queda de ti si has cometido tan grave crimen? No queda mucho, ¿verdad? Te das cuenta de que es el primer paso para dejar de ser lo que eras…

Pero, ¿no habías dejado de ser una persona desde el primer momento en que la vida te llevó a ese momento decisivo? No, tenías la esperanza de que aún quedara algo de persona en ti… Esperabas y creías que tal vez las cosas no debían cambiar de manera tan drástica. Y es que ¿a quién le gusta renunciar a su vieja vida? Tal vez ni siquiera se trata de los valores, de esas cosas que te prometiste que nunca harías, sino de dejar atrás todo lo que eras. Tal vez es la costumbre que es tan difícil de vencer, la idea de hacer cosas nuevas las que aterrorizan…

Ser alguien, ser una persona, tener ambiciones y sueños, saber que tienes moral… Saber que puedes pensar en ti mismo con orgullo, sin vergüenza… Saber que tienes un nombre y una reputación… Para después convertirte en… nada.

En un solo instante, pasas de ser alguien (o al menos eso es lo que tú piensas) a no ser nadie…

O, mejor dicho, te conviertes en alguien de quien no se puede estar orgulloso, alguien que debe vivir oculto, alguien que no debe existir ante los ojos de los demás…

Ser mordido por un vampiro no es lo que las películas te dicen. Ahora que soy uno de ellos, soy exactamente uno de ellos… Asesino, recluido, avergonzado y excluido… Moral, valores, descartados ante la necesidad de seguir viviendo… Porque no importa cuánto te resistas, al final, el hambre es más fuerte y, sin importar lo que te hayas prometido a ti mismo, te conviertes en el animal que bebe sangre… En lo que nunca pensaste convertirte…